Like the tides, you approach and recede from my life. If only I could find the moon that you so obediently follow. If only I could study it's movements and its cycles, I might learn more about you too.
So blind to the forces that surround and influence you. You live in my life as a theory, unproven, perhaps even a fantasy. Made of a million tiny interlinking mysteries you culminate into a great question impossible to ignore.
How I long to be the thing of which you have always dreamed; the thing that you have been chasing since it was taken from you so long ago. How I long to be the thing some poor souls were never meant to know.
How it strains my hearts strings, till at any moment they may break, to not be what you need. A singular certainty in this world of ghosts and echoes.
Somehow you have gotten past the hard protective surface of me. Some kind of tiny seed has been placed within the warm, soft, moist, soil of my heart. I can feel it beginning to change into something different than I was expecting.
You ever so gently managed to reach a long abandoned dark place, a location I thought could only ever be a grave. Yet now something seems to be growing there, though still too undeveloped to know with any certainty what is coming.
behind me I feel a presence slowly moving ever closer, I even think i hear the faint sound of foot falls approaching. If I turn around now, will there be anyone there to greet me, or is it just a sad trick of my constant longing. Please just tell me, what the difference is between an illusion and a dream?
How I long to see the cruel beauty of your heavenly face and hear the shy timbre of your delicate voice. Though I know I can never experience such grace again, nor can I write or call you like I so often used to.
I dare only continue to miss you, and keep buried my spectral love for what once was. It is my grave duty to suffer your absence and wonder how you are and what you have been up to, but never reach out for you.
My solitude world without your loving company must forever remain unchanged until my dying day. You can never know I still care, nor that I still dream of you being there.
Now all I can do is hope and pray that you never suffer the same fate.
She is young, sexy, happy, brilliant, perfect, the timeless subject of poetry and mythology, period romance novels and Greek sculptures. The moon balancing on a mountain peak, the cloud that gathers rain and brings shade to ease the deserts unbearable heat.
Yet He is the thing that lurks in the muck beneath the prismatic surface of a polluted lake unseen. A great shadow shifting behind her slightly when she turns to look ever so slowly. A ghost screaming in the ear of a child sleeping in it's bed peacefully.
What would she have of me?
Would she need me to sever a finger and leave it under an empty crumpled styrofoam container, inconspicuously placed beneath the l.a. weekly newspaper dispenser on the corner of Hollywood and vine, in order to prove my dedication?
For what purpose does it serve to torment me so with visions of the warm inviting sun, when I am but an eyeless fish resting on the black icy bottom of the deepest sea.
Promise and possibility fuel her passage through the challenges of this world. But somehow, someway, regardless of all she does, the time always comes to acknowledge what is.
All the dizzying complexity of the world that so effortlessly sparkles around her, suddenly freezes. Time seemed once like the open sky exponentially expanding relative to a birds will to fly, now crystalizes around her like ice.
Alone she sits and feels her own well charted borders and proven limits, while disconnecting from the illusions of what could have been.
Soon only silence and calm are left. Is it a near empty glass of merlot she stares into looking for her purpose, or the still warm pool of love that lies in her own heart that reflects anothers face.
A lock. A uniquely complex and durable mechanical system designed around the shape of a individual key. Only the key can change the state of the lock form closed to open. Once opened the lock is removed and that which it was holding together comes easily apart.
I was born with a lock on my soul. All are welcome into my home, but there is a place that no one can reach without the key.
Who has the key?
Not even I am given that information, yet every guest who enters the home of my company has their own individual key. None expect that they hold the key to open my soul, anymore than I suspect that I will win the lottery tomorrow.
But then one day the lock is effortlessly opened, and my soul is suddenly exposed. Standing there, looking as surprised as I am and staring back at me, is you.
You slowly pass through the dark halls of your mind like a shadow on a sun dial, lost with no idea what you are hoping to find.
You walk towards the opening opening of your half closed eyes. You stop and peer through the foggy windows as if it were raining outside.
Though I am standing before you smiling, you stare right through me as if watching a movie of distant memories idefinitely repeat.
Your heart burns and your soul rises form it's smoldering fires, dancing as it dissipates into the sky.
It is then I realize that like the stars so clearly shining above me, some of the most beautiful things in life are not meant to be reached.
If you knew a renown poet, timeless poetry would be written about you to traverse the ages.
If you knew a gifted songwriter, classic love songs would be composed in you honor to dominate the radio waves.
If you knew a great sculptor, your body would be gazed upon in the finest museums throughout the world and considered national treasures.
If you knew a masterful painter, paintings of you would be sold at auction to the wealthiest art collectors.
Though, no matter who you end up knowing in your lifetime, or what your beauty may inspire in others, I will be quietly rejoicing in all the ways in which your beauty has been my savior.
There is only on thing for which I will get down on my knees and pray before, for which I am a supplicant at your holy alter, surrendering to the benediction of my savior.
Every soft kiss upon it a beautiful little death, and every slow lick a miraculous rebirth. Worshiping you is the only thing on earth I never tire of doing, where even time loses all purpose, direction, and meaning.
With each orgasmic shutter, another universe is conceived within the boundless expanses of our soul's communion.
Allow my devoted mouth and faithful tongue the opportunity to speak the secret silent language of this grateful heart of mine, a language that is incompressible to anyone else's.
Hear my love's symphony reverberate through every nerve ending in your body.
Grant me the means to achieve my earthy destiny, so that I might at last fulfill my heavenly duty.
You are like a beautiful bird trapped in a glass house. You frantically try to get out, to reach the sky you see all around you, but find nothing but clear walls and closed windows to batter yourself against.
All I can do is watch you destroy yourself as you search for the open door through which you first entered. My heart cracks each time you make contact with the glass, as your chances of surviving decrease with each impact.
Though just know, that even if you should not escape by means of your own will and wings and fall broken and defeated at my feet. I will pick you up ever so gently and carry you out and set you free, even if only to bury you beneath the heavens of your inception while I weep.
Your priceless diamond smile shines behind bulletproof glass for all to see, though always out of reach.
Your nervous roving eyes watch my every move like security camera lenes, facing everywhere I might try hiding.
Your forbidden skin might just as well be that of a greek statue's on display in a acclaimed museum.
Your heart the exclusive private property in which I would never willingly be allowed in.
For you are seen as the queen, and I am perceived to be but a common thief, yet is it not the danger of me that gives your qualities their great value? As if coevolved to directly counterbalance your notoriety, it is my anonymity that allows me to get closer to you than you ever thought possible, in spite of your exorbitant security.
When you see how easily I pry open your most faithful lock with my masterful fingers, you will then know with the uttermost certainty that we were always meant to be. And once I reach into your safest place and find the treasure you have been protecting, at last you will know the full extent of our shared destiny.
unfortunately there will never be enough of you for me, for no matter how vast and deep the sea the desert remains ever thirsty. They repeatedly ply your smooth giving waters to get to wherever they are going. you grant them clear passage and ask for nothing, except to feel their wide hulls split your delicate surface and their hard oars stir your wet depths.
Yet what of this forgetten desert who can only dream of experiencing your ageless absolving presence?
Though the sorrow I daily am forced to see, is how easily I would cease to be if ever we were to meet, for no desert, no matter how great, can survive an encounter with the sea. Thus I can not fully see whether you are protecting or avoiding me. just as I sometimes wonder if perhaps you are as emprisoned as I am in the location of your first forming, while caged by the very ways in which you have thus far been made.
And If it took a million years to channel your way through the many winding miles of surrounding stone and earth, to make free a small opening through which I might reach you through, would you do what takes to connect with me, or are you perfectly content to forever be someone else's sea?
From my first memory to this very day neigh a half century later, I don't understand you now, nor have I ever. I stare and stare but never grow any more aware of who you are, or what if anything you want from me. I have seen you thousands of times in a thousand different faces, that sometimes both loved and hated me equally. Strangely you always seem to leave while I am forced to stay, change while I must remain the same, and radiate eternal youth as I age. You haunt me like a reoccuring dream trying to relay something important to me, as your eyes scorch messages upon my soul in a language I do not know. I watch your every move like an astronomer gazing at a distant astral body, forever struggling to get a closer view of your mysterious beauty. Just as from one moment to the next I study your continuously changing face, like a religious scholar reading the pages of a holy text, of which there is only one left. Always moving, and never still, you dance in all you do. I often wonder if you will ever see me like I see you, or are you blind to my existance as if some sort of ghostly celebrity?
A goddess singular in substance posed for all to admire like a lifelike statue. More force of nature dazzling in it's complexity than a truly conscientious entity. You live amung us as if one of us, but the reflection you see masks the emptiness you sense. Your own heart caged by your insecurities and fears, languors like a bird denied it's birthright and forced to be the pleasantry someone else wants you to be. My empathy long transmuted to sympathy, my sympathy now fading into indifference, and soon my indifference will become blankness. I know the time approaches where I will sever my ties to your common destiny and only see you in my memories, for even my patience has it's limits. Yet. it does not escape me, that I have always been the fool for waiting. As long ago you learned how power lies in what you withhold, and thus the thirsty make men easiest to control. For what every master fears most, is simply to be alone. You speak of love as if it is something you have ever known, but love is not a thing nor even a feeling, love is a state of unending vulnerability, and you have made vulnerability your sworn enemy. These are not even my own words or opinions, but a simple recitation from that which is ever so clearly written behind eyes I've never even seen.
I never met anyone as delicate as you before, though few can see just how delicate you are. The great walls that surround you must be the strongest of them all, to protect what you are protecting within. Though before those walls, there was a lovely meadow full of countless flowers, and all were welcomed to enter the expanses of your ever giving beauty, to do as they pleased with your blessing. Though one by one your flowers were trampled apon and picked apart by those who could not appreciate their true value, until finally just one remained. It was nearly too late before you fully realized what was really happening. So with every bit of strenth and intelligence you could harness, you built the the greatest walls possible around that last pristine delicate flower, walls that no one could ever breach. And now that flower has become the most beautiful and coveted flower I have ever seen, due to it's absolute rarity. Strange how an often overlooked beauty can become a captivating one simply by means of it's decreased availability.
I plot, I scheme, and I dream of how to get ever closer to you. My armor clashes with yours while sparks fly from our colliding swords. I search your defenses for a way in, but I know there is no way past them, so long as I wear this metal skin. For the opening in your heart is only big enough for my naked soul to slip in. The chess board is perfectly balanced as opposing powers experience thier equals and our hearts beat hard against each other's. Our minds act as mirrors to one another and our thoughts make up the ever changing face of our mutual sense of wonder. Yet regardless of our epic struggle, you will never know this is meant for you, and that is my strongest move. However, there can be no peace when none can win and none can bear to lose. So all i can do is continue to plot, scheme, and dream of getting ever closer to you.
Imagine yoirself floating in space, so far from where you are now that your sun is but another star indistinguishable from all the others that surround you. As you float, look below and you see nothing but stars, then above, then to the left and right to observe countless points of light. Lights that collectively are so bright that you can see ever detail of your naked body seemingly suspended at the very center of everything. Then realize that what you once thought to be emptiness is entirly filled with starlight. A light that not only illuminates your present form but connects you to the most distant ob
the same laws of the spirit that seem to set you free to fly circles above me, blessing the tree tops with the tip of your wings, binds me to the muddy ground of my own misery. a lumbering plains elephant watching a Chanting Goshawk ride peacefully on an african breeze, appearing to be almost weightless and stationary while scanning the river valley. do you even notice me as I pound the earth futily with my massive feet, and trumpet my frustration into the heavens where you glide about so freely? Yet, from such a place high above it all, even my massive form must look terribly small. Can you not see that all I can do, is dream of someday flying along side of you? However, the weight of my heart alone is more than the stongest winds and wings could ever carry. Often I wonder if you'll ever land on a tree near to me, so that my great dark eyes can finally see every inch of your preditory beauty? But you never do, and I know you never will. All my weight, strength, and all my crushing suffering will never reach you. For you are far to high to even take notice of whether or not I live or die.
You didn't try and break it suddenly like so many others have, but instead you maticulously learned all the ways in which I protected my vulnerability. You watched and studied me ever so carefully and waited very patiently. Then, piece by piece, you slowly and carefully dismantled me, while I was busy building you into who you always wanted to be. That was your cruel genious I could not see. That is how you are different than all the other girls who once held and hurt my now hardened heart. For you knew you couldn't break it as it had to greatly been strengthened, so you decided you would simply take it apart. Now the man you fell in love with, no longer exists. As if a stray that once caught your fancy as it wandered the streets freely, you gained it's trust, baited it into your cage, lulled it to sleep, then anesthetized it so you could dissected it completely. Now that my indipendent essence has left me and you have nothing to hold your interest, you move on to the plan of catching your next victom. My cold dead eyes stare at you from the metal tray holding my spirits segregated remains, as your lies dance about the darkened room like embers from hell fire. Now that you have no more need to hide, your mask of false innocence is set aside revealing your demon like smile.
Impossible love, do you really expect me to believe what you are proposing? Do you think I am such a fool to trust in you? For, like a tumor you matastisize in my heart, branching and growing in every direction at once. Slowly poisoning me with the enrapturing mythology of a thousand varied yet equally exquisite impossibilities. Impossible love. Do you even know whitin whom you are growing? For, no less furtile ground could your seed have chosen in which to sprout. You, like all diseases have only one concern, to spread yourself indefinitely. However, what you cannot see is your greatest weakness, the limits of the host's body and its ability to sustain your continuous leeching of its self sustaining energy. Impossible love, you hypnotize and deceive with your lightning like visions of what could be, if only I reached for what you claim to offer me. Have you no dignity to spare the weakened heart already at the mercy of a miraculous love. Can you not see the burden this places on me? Of course, you care nothing but your own vanity and the opportunity you see to destroy me completely. Looking down the gapping barrel of this impossible love, I pray in vein to the gods above, that you hurry up and pull the fucking trigger already, though deep down I know i will never be so lucky. Impossible love.
Previous PostsGhosts and Echoes, posted March 12th, 2013, 4 comments
illusion or dream, posted February 19th, 2013, 2 comments
cruel beauty, posted February 10th, 2013, 1 comment
Corner of Hollywood and Vine, posted February 1st, 2013, 3 comments
endings, posted January 26th, 2013, 2 comments
You, posted January 17th, 2013, 1 comment
The Most Beautiful Things In Life, posted January 14th, 2013, 1 comment
Savior, posted January 3rd, 2013, 4 comments
My Heavenly Duty, posted December 19th, 2012, 2 comments
Glass House, posted December 18th, 2012, 3 comments
The Queen And The Common Thief., posted December 11th, 2012
Forgotten Desert, posted December 2nd, 2012
Ghostly Celebrity, posted November 21st, 2012
Eyes I've Never Seen, posted November 19th, 2012
Delicate, posted November 1st, 2012, 4 comments
Closer To You, posted October 15th, 2012, 2 comments
Just Imagine, posted October 11th, 2012, 3 comments
your preditory beauty and my crushing suffering, posted September 11th, 2012, 2 comments
dead eyes, posted September 7th, 2012, 3 comments
gapping barrel, posted September 1st, 2012
fragile love, posted August 28th, 2012, 3 comments
die awake, posted August 24th, 2012, 1 comment
alarming frailty, posted August 23rd, 2012, 1 comment
unseen possibilities, posted August 22nd, 2012, 1 comment
gut me, posted August 16th, 2012, 4 comments
what if, posted August 12th, 2012
unworthy sea, posted August 9th, 2012, 5 comments
schitzophrenic gymnast, posted August 5th, 2012
sorrow of a thousand tomorrows, posted August 4th, 2012
release me, posted August 3rd, 2012, 2 comments
no choice, posted July 28th, 2012, 1 comment
let's pretend, posted July 25th, 2012, 2 comments
Meant To Be, posted July 21st, 2012, 1 comment
survival, posted July 12th, 2012, 3 comments
Fear and Freedom, posted July 9th, 2012, 4 comments
interinfection, posted July 7th, 2012, 3 comments
loving weakness, posted July 3rd, 2012, 1 comment
tinder box heart, posted June 30th, 2012
loves power, posted June 23rd, 2012, 3 comments
nowhere, posted June 22nd, 2012, 3 comments
war within, posted June 22nd, 2012
in question, posted June 20th, 2012
no clue., posted June 19th, 2012, 2 comments
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